long time no post

I found a quote that I think describes the essence of what we feel: "Adopting a child and helping them reach their potential, they help us reach ours. An adopted child is not an unwanted child; to the contrary. They are a child that was searched for, prayed for, cried for, begged for; received by arms that ached, making empty hearts full. Love is meant to be shared."  
In Ethiopia all children are so wanted and loved but the country, which allocates much of its finances to the care of orphans, is too strained by the millions of orphans that need... need and deserve the love of a family. While only about 1% are adopted that is just one way of trying to care for their children.  There were no orphanages in Ethiopia until about a decade ago  - the extended family/community always brought home children in need.  

Even more on the subject  - I got a reply from an adoptive parent that asked for suggestions on how to reply to an adult. Here's my reply:

For the question - "How much did your adoption cost?"

I would use basically the same idea as with the adolescent now just simpler. So here are my thoughts...

How much did your wedding cost? Probably will stop someone annoying in their tracks.
Or you could go the educational route...
How much did/does getting married cost?  Not the optional stuff like the dress, the decore, guests, food, etc.  - the nessasary costs?
Unlike not using wedding planners and caterers which might mean that it coud be easier for things to go wrong like the food gets cold or the flowers aren't the right color... Not using an agency and/or a lawyer in such a complicated legal (2 countries & the UN) process means that things could go seriously wrong and the adoption could fail. That is like a miscarriage-a death. Its heartbreaking. 

"Why is it so complicated?" A minor is involved. 2 countries & the UN trying to do right by a child/children.

For the question of why adoption/why international adoption...
Why did you get married in a church/a hotel/on the beach/....?
Or...
Why does one couple choose to get married in a hometown and another in the city they currently live in instead of someone's hometown?  Everyone has to decide what works best for them - and  socially we say "It's your day - do what makes you happy" because in the end it's all about the love...right? Same for us.

There are lots of ways to become parent's/have kids.  We did what works for our family.

Total deflection for me are these:
No matter how a family chooses to have kids we are happy for them.

Isn't it great that we created more love in the world?
(That one works for lots of questions)

I will say people are mostly kind (we may be lucky but nobody mean/rude yet since we have been home) and I usually feel open and fine with questions because adoption is complicated and people really just don't know. I also don't want to be rude in return.  However there are times when I can't be "ON" and so I try to smile and deflect. 

For me its all about the love - Peace out.J/K!!!

Lisa

We have been home with our little girl for almost 18 months and have heard many interesting questions and comments about our adoption. Most times people are simply and kindly curious, though that can get old. There are days I just don't feel like being the spokesperson for adoption I just want to try to be a good mom and enjoy my family.  Rarely are people intentionally offensive - despite the rather obnoxious things that sometimes get said.   I sent the below as a posting to one of the fabulous listservs our agency has set up to help adoptive parents. It seemed worth sharing in general so here goes..

This summer I had an adolescent ask some serious questions.  We were at a park on the swings and I thought this was an opportunity to educate the child and not to be offended - sometimes that's not the case. For some reason my brain was really kicking that day and I got my points across well... in a way that works well for us. 

It went pretty much as follows...

The first question was what did our daughter cost. I put it in terms like this:

Well let's think about it...

There is usually a cost for big important changes in our lives and important paperwork - getting a drivers license, getting a license for your car, getting married, you get the idea right? ...  Answer "Yeah."

When someone gets married do you ask what their wife or husband cost? Answer "No...."  Does it cost to get married?  Answer "Yes..." 

 Ok - so...the people that perform the service - the minister or the government official have a fee they charge for doing their job right? Answer "Uh huh.." And then the government has paperwork and fees that they charge so that the couple are registered as married and get their marriage license...

 But when it's done we don't say that they bought each other or that one of them owns the other right?  Answer came with a smile "No."

If you ask what our daughter costs it sounds like its' as if you think children can be bought - that we bought her.  We all know that buying people is illegal, wrong, and bad. Nobody should ever buy or sell another person.

Adoption has fees that need to be paid to the people that  do the work to make the adoption happen and to the government for the paperwork that helps to make sure that everything is right and is legal.  

 So adoption is like getting married because there are fees -  it's not free. But most importantly its like getting married because it's a good way for families to grow and people share their love.  

The next question had two parts: Why didn't her parents want her/why did you adopt?

Sometimes there are children whose birth parents can't take care of them - they are too young, they are terribly poor and can't feed their children, they are not healthy, etc. There are many reasons. Sometimes those children can be adopted to other people who can take of them, want to be parents to them and love them.

Families grow in lots of ways and for lots of reasons - do you know people that have more than one mom and dad? "Sure" 

(This example is way oversimplified but accurate)

So OK, here's an example... I have two brothers from my mom and two step sisters, and one step brother from my step father.  "OK..." 

Well most of the time people don't worry about why my parents chose to marry and make a bigger family. People just assume that love was the reason -  that my parents loved each other, love kids, and wanted to grow from our separate families into a bigger family. They're happy for us.  

My husband and I love each other, love kids, and wanted to grow our family.  Our daughter needed parents to love her and we needed to be parents and to love a child. We did not give birth to our daughter but we chose to grow our family through adoption. Adoption is one of the many good ways that families can grow and there can be more love in the world.

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Obviously it wasn't all quite as pat as this - though several ideas are some of my pat answers  - I had never made the analogy about marriage - nor heard it. It just clicked with me then. However I do feel that the child was interested and got the point that adoption is like getting married versus buying someone.  Also it seemed like she got the points about how there are times people can't take care of their kids and that adoption is just one of the ways families grow in the world.  

This is from this years Gotcha Day

We are the happiest parents to our little bit o’ sunshine.  Amari is 17 months old as I write this and today is the anniversary of our Gotcha Day.  For those of you that don’t know, this is the day that we got to hold and bring “home” our daughter.  I say “home” because we were in Ethiopia and home for our new family was a lovely Ethiopian run guest house.  We were there with a number of other adopting families. It was a joyful and sometimes very intense time.  

One year ago we waited in a room at our agencies home for referred children (matched to a family) with other soon to be teary families.  Even as I write this I get teary (high levels of emotion + me = tears every time). It had been soooooo long that I had been dreaming about our daughter. It was so surreal to be there, halfway around the world, out of a blizzard, into summer, and breathless. It was a perfect sunny breezy day but the room we were in was as dim as a cocoon. Someone said “They are bringing a baby girl!” and then there she was haloed by the sunshine from the doorway, and so unbelievably precious, tiny, and real.  

           

The weight of her in my arms at that moment and never, ever, wanting to put her down

Mark becoming daddy in front of my eyes, his eyes softly looking at her

Her taking him in, having her tucked back into my arms

Her solemn and quiet demeanor, walking out into the sunshine

The way she lit up and chattered like a little bird when she saw her nanny and nurse

The way they loved their favorite little one and opening my arms for them hold her again

Her vivaciousness in their arms, their sadness and our joy

The bumpy ride back to “home” her snuggled up safe next to me

Lively and loud Ethiopian pop music lulled her to sleep on that van ride and the

many rides that followed during our time in Ethiopia. We had to bring it back to the U.S. with us and she loves it when we are in the car. We figure that she loves bouncing like no other child we’ve ever seen because of all of those bumpy rides.  She now lights up like a firecracker when daddy comes home and fusses when she knows that I am not going to be putting her to sleep.  She chatters vivaciously to us all the time. She has grown into us and us into her. To her we are love and she is home.

Today, one year later, as she slept snuggled up to me with her hand tucked into mine, I gazed at her face and felt that today and every day she is just as magic as that first day. I am still amazed that this precious little (though she often acts larger than life!) life is ours to hold, love, and cherish forever.   

Hey little bird - GOTCHA!  

XOXOXO

Forever and Ever and Always

Love Mommie & Daddy

Amari's First High Chair (February 2010)

We got new cell phones recently, so we had to go through the process of pulling all of the photos and videos off of the old phones. This one was still on there and thank goodness we didn't lose it. This was shortly after we got back from Ethiopia when we put Amari in a high chair for the first time. She decided she liked being "at the table" like mommy and daddy. Oh yeah....if you think she's loud in this clip....she had gone on like this for about 5 minutes before I managed to get out the phone.